“I’m just a kid!” my daughter yells at me. She’s angry, tired and stressed out. Angry because she’s just found out she won’t be having in person classes in the fall, (she’s known that would likely be the case for a while but was in denial about it), tired because I took her to an hour-long acro4dance class after a full day of beach camp and stressed out because she’ll be performing a solo tomorrow for her dance studio’s dance show in the park. It’s a lot. And suddenly, I reminded that my “big” 8-year old is just a little girl and that growing up during a global pandemic and not being able to play with or hug her friends is really overwhelming. I hold her in my arms and we take a few deep, calming breaths together.
After the lockdown began, she and her classmates continued to sit through six classes a day, five days a week and it wasn’t easy. Four of those classes were taught in French – two taught back to back, with an hour and a half break to complete the work, another two lectures, followed by more homework time and a final two lectures, with additional homework to be accomplished after during a supervised homework session. For thirteen weeks, we slogged through her Lycée 2ndgrade curriculum, grilling her on her multiplication tables, French verbs, spelling and played educational games at night.
She sat at the dining room table and my husband and I took turns helping, encouraging, coaxing, bribing and basically using every trick we could think of to get her to complete the work. I insisted she do all of it. All the Math, French, English, Social Studies, Geography – even the Art assignments.
“It’s almost over!” I’d say, my voice annoyingly cheery. She’d stare daggers at me. “You can do it! I know you can.”
Meanwhile, many of the neighborhood kids, whose schools had more or less written off the rest of the year, spent the majority of their time playing video games and skateboarding in the courtyard. It seemed hugely unfair and made everything she had to do that much harder and frustrating. How do you convince an 8-year old child she’s lucky because she gets to actually keep learning?
While some parents threw in the towel, “they’re all going to be behind next fall!”, one mom told me at a socially distant birthday party while her daughters ran around screaming like banshees. “I gave up about a couple weeks ago. Now I let my girls watch tv and play video games. I got ear plugs so I could work in peace. As long as they don’t fight or break anything, they can do whatever they want.” I laughed politely and wished I had earplugs to drown out her kids’ screams, too.
According to a study conducted by Channel Mum of 2,000 parents of kids aged 3 to 18, kids are more anxious and stressed out now than ever. They found that “more than 6 in 10 exhibit either mild or severe symptoms of worry, unease or fear.” This was true before Covid-19 upended our lives and it’s only gotten worse since the lockdown began. Emma Kenny, Channel Mum’s psychologist in residence says, “Children today are possibly the most stressed generation ever as there is so much pressure piled onto them. From feeling they need to succeed academically, to social media, to heightened awareness of their body image, there is round-the-clock comparison with others from a very young age.”
So, should we just give up and let them go feral in the backyard? How important are multiplication tables, anyway?
While many parents, like the mom at the birthday party, decided to essentially give up on making their kids do any sort of homework during the stay-at-home pandemic days, I doubled my expectations. I’m not saying it’s the way to go, but it’s the way I chose to deal with this extraordinary situation.
I also made her, er.. I mean, “strongly encouraged” my daughter to participate in all of her dance studio’s zoom dance classes. Not because I have some unfulfilled desire to be a performer but because I know how much joy she gets from the classes and that my indefatigable child needs to burn off some of that seemingly boundless energy.
Did she complain and ask to be excused from class just this once? All the time. Did I let her skip? Nope. Hardly ever. She had to have a really exceptional reason to get a pass.
So, was I pushing too hard? To the minds of some parents, I most definitely was. But those are the same parents who tell me, “Your daughter is so driven! It’s so nice that she’s found her thing. Our son’s tried a bunch of stuff, nothing sticks,” or “Our daughter drops out of everything she tries after a few weeks.” Those defeatist comments make me want to scream, “You are the adult! Make them finish what they started! Honor the commitment. Stick it out for a session before they move on.” Kind of harsh? Probably. But, seriously? Give me a break! How are they going to succeed in life if they can’t stick it out in an 8-week beginner ballet class?
Still, I have to admit, there are days when I could probably relax the rules and let her skip “just this once.” So, I’ve been taking a long, hard look at the line between encouragement and pushing – because it’s about pushing just enough and not too much. A tall order.
WHY WE PUSH
We push our children for all kinds of reasons. We want the very best for them, we see talent that needs to be fostered, we want them to have all the things we didn’t have and avoid the mistakes we made. My mother used to tell me, “You are a smart girl. You have absolutely no excuse for not doing well.” When my grades slipped, there was hell to pay. As far as she was concerned, that meant I hadn’t tried hard enough. It was tough but it worked.
Being French Canadian, her attitude was very similar to that of French moms. The French mom’s attitude toward child rearing has gotten quite a bit of attention in the past decade, in part due to Pamela Druckerman’s 2011 book French Children Don’t Throw Food in which she explored how the French manage to raise children who, unlike many of their US or British counterparts, sleep through the night, are not picky eaters, do not throw tantrums in the supermarket and go to bed without making a fuss. For the record, I may have been raised by a Maman with French values, but I have not managed to raise a child who sleeps through the night (she still crawls into our bed around 6 a.m. every morning), isn’t a picky eater (she is), goes to bed without making a fuss (she does) and never throws tantrums in the supermarket (she has).
That said, like the majority of French moms, I do consider children to be little people who are not equal to adults. They need authority and they need rules. They can have opinions but it is their parents who decide. My daughter may tell me she’s too tired to study or doesn’t want to dance anymore but I decide whether she truly needs a break or whether she’s playing me to see if she can get away with it.
WHEN TO PUSH
First off, we shouldn’t push so much as encourage. Dr. James Taylor, a psychologist who has worked with young people in sports, education and the performing arts for 17 years, tells parents that pushing is necessary for children to take risks and discover their strengths. It is possible to push while focusing on what he calls the three pillars of successful achievers – self-esteem, ownership and emotional mastery. This approach is called Positive Pushing. Parental involvement is super important to raising a happy and successful child. Pushing becomes counterproductive when parents go overboard and get too involved in their child’s achievements.
WHEN SHOULD YOU BACK OFF?
So, before you “push” your child to finish a task, participate in an extracurricular activity, learn a language, play an instrument or (insert whatever it is you are insisting your kids do) ask yourself these questions:
Why am I pushing my child to do this?
Is this making them happy?
What is the end goal here? Joy or some future payoff?
Not easy questions to answer. Children are smart and will push back, to see if they can, to try to exert some control over their lives, or just to see what’ll happen if they flat out refuse to comply with our wishes. So, where’s the threshold between encouraging a child to achieve their potential and pushing them too hard and turning them into overachieving, emotional wrecks?
POSITIVE PUSHING TIPS FROM DR. JIM TAYLOR
1. Help your kids find a passion. Once they find it they will work hard because they love it and they will be happy because they are doing what they love.
2. Allow your child to experience all emotions; don’t try to appease or distract them from their feelings of frustration or anger when things are difficult. Help them to identify, understand, and express all their emotions in a healthy way.
3. Don’t be seduced by popular culture that says you have to be wealthy, beautiful and powerful to be successful and happy.
4. Always do what’s in your kids’ best interest. Not what they want, not what feels good, not what’s popular and not what’s easiest for you.
5. Have a life of your own that is meaningful and satisfying. If you have your own life, you won’t need to invest yourself excessively in your child’s achievements.
In the end, my daughter embraced the thought of online learning and she’s excited about the new workspace we’ve set up for her at home, she begged me to stay longer at the end of the acro4dance class she had begged me to skip, and she beamed with joy and pride after performing her dance solo during her company’s dance show in the park.
So, I’ve decided I will continue to “push” my daughter because I think it’s good to push kids – just enough. While pushing too hard can hurt a child’s ability to self-motivate, guiding a child’s development deliberately and vigorously, with a positive message that builds self-esteem, leads to happy, successful kids.
Were you pushed as a child? Do you wish your parents had pushed you more or less? Do you push your kids? How do you find a balance? Drop me a line. I’d love to know.